Bicycle Jokes and Funnies
Biker Guy

You may be a bike nut if...

...Your surgeon tells you you need a heart valve replacement and you ask if you have a choice between presta and schrader.
...A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers.
...You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities.
...The funeral director tells you "NO!" you can't ride your Cannondale in the funeral procession, even if you keep your headlight on.
...You're too tired for hanky-panky on a Friday night but pump out a five-hour century on Saturday.
...You no longer require a hankie to blow your nose.
...You convert your car's brake & gas pedals to clipless.
...You yell ON YOUR LEFT when passing another car.
...You yell HOLE when you see a pothole while driving your car.
...Your bike has more miles on its computer then your car's odometer.
...You wear your riding gloves when driving your car.
...Your bikes are worth more than your car.
...You buy a mini-van and immediately remove the rear seats to allow your bike(s) to fit .
...You take your bike along when you shop for a car - just to make sure the bike will fit inside.
...You use the Yakima/Thule/etc Fit catalog to pick your next new car instead of Consumer Reports.
...You install bike mounts in the back of your van or pickup truck.
...You mount a $600 cap, on a $1,000 pickup truck, so your $3,000 bike doesn't get wet.
...You put your bike in your car and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 4 (or better).
...Your New Year's resolution is to put more miles on your bike than your car, and you do it.
...You start yelling at cars to "hold your line."
...You're comfortable bumping elbows with step vans.
...You try to U-lock your car to a sign post when parking it.
...You give directions to motorists that include phrases like "hop the curb" and "go through the ravine".
...You use wax on your chain, but not your car.
...You buy a car based on whether or not a bike will fit in the trunk/back, with the rear seat folded down.
...You have a roof rack and hitch rack on the same vehicle at the same time.
...You wonder why a $500 bike has 24 gear ratios, while a $20,000 car or truck only has 4.
...You open your car window and yell out "On your left" when passing cars on the freeway.
...You get in your car and suddenly realize how WIDE it is.
...Your car lives outside because your garage is full of bikes
...To all the references in this list to "your car" you say, "What car?"

...You refuse to buy a couch because that patch of wallspace is taken up by the bike.
...You have a bike mounted over the fire place
...You drag your heels for six months on a home improvement project because you're afraid that your spouse won't let you keep your bike in the living room anymore when it's finished.
...You have more money invested in your bike clothes than in the rest of your combined wardrobe.
...You wear your bike shorts swimming.
...You wear bike ride/event T-shirts all the time, including under dress shirts.
...You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.

...You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components.
...You hear someone had a crash and your first question is "How's the bike?"

..."Biker chick" means black spandex, not leather.
...You don't hesitate to engage in inter-gender leg-shaving technique discussions.
...You can't seem to get to work by 8:30 AM, even for important meetings, but you don't have any problems at all meeting your buddies at 5:30 AM for a hammerfest.
...You see nothing wrong with discussing the connection between hydration and urine color.
...You can tell your wife, with a straight face that it's too hot to mow the lawn and then bike off for a century.
...You regard inter-gender discussion of your genital pain/size/shape/utility as normal.
...You see a fit, tanned, Lycra-clad young woman ride by, and the first thing you check out is her bicycle.

...You have stopped even trying to explain to your husband why you NEED two just go buy another one and figure it will all work out in the divorce settlement.
...You buy your crutches instead of renting.
...You find your Shimano touring shoes to be more comfortable and stylish than your gunboat sneakers.
...You empathize with the roadkill.
...Despite all that winter weight you put on, you'll skim weight by buying titanium components
...Your current bike is older than your college children.
...Your bike bag consists of an outdated Power Bar, one tire lever, a questionable patch kit, a run-over spoke wrench, an all-in-one, a rusty allen wrench, change with god knows what stuck on it, a couple of tubes without a clue which one has a hole, and that peanut butter sandwich you swore you brought on the ride two weeks ago, all tucked into a bag the size of your fist.
...Your first course when you eat out is a large banana split.
...When you move to a new area the first thing you look for is a bike shop.
...You clean your bike(s) more often then your car.
...You're on the Board of Directors for a Bike Club.
...You spend weeks during the summer spraying arrows on the sides of roads.
...You and your significant other have and wear identical riding clothes.
...You know your cadence, but you have no idea what your speed is.
...When driving your car you lean over the steering wheel, just like an aerobar.
...Your kids bring a rear derailleur to "Show & Tell".
...Your car sits outside your garage because your garage is full of bikes and cycling gear.
...You tailgate a semi-trailer to get the drafting effect.
...You know your Bike Nashbar customer number by heart.
...You have a four digit Bike Nashbar customer number.
...All your email addresses begin or end with the word "bike".
...You view the primary role of Mon-Fri as a period of recovery from and planning for weekend rides.
...You spend more than ten minutes coming up with more material for this list.
...Your phone book has a yellow sticky marking the bicycle shop section.
...You keep replacing dress pants with little holes in the seat where they touch the saddle.
...You know the gear sizes of several different rear clusters by heart.
...When people ask why you bike to work year round (including -40), you reply "Because I hate to walk."
...You think the idea of owning a winter work bike, summer work bike, race bike, and touring bike is perfectly acceptable.
...When a co-worker states that they spent $15,000 on a Harley, you comment "That's nuts! You could buy two or three nice bicycles for that!"
...You don't understand why your spouse isn't interested in riding 200K (or further).
...You choose a house that has enough room in the basement for the home bike shop, and easy access to it from outdoors.
...You turn down another house because you don't want all your rides to end with a 1 mile 15% grade.
...You have two workbenches. One is only for bike stuff, and the other seldom gets used.
...You've taken a bike vacation together every year since you got married 15 years ago.
...Instead of a silk flowers, you have a basket of brightly colored waterbottles on the kitchen table.
...You have a crate full of more water bottles in the basement from tours and rides.
...You believe that no tire tube is beyond patching until you absolutely must layer one patch over another.
...You have a veritable snake pit of old tires lying around your basement, garage, etc., each of which is worn to the casing in at least one spot, but you still think that there's a few hundred miles left in each of them even though you'll never use them because you scour all the cycling catalogues and on-line sites religiously searching for bargain prices on new tires.
...You look for snow along the shoulder to ride in so the studs on winter commuting wheels won't be worn down.
...You avoid pants in colours that show chainring marks on your right calf.
...All your bikes are the same colour so it's harder for your spouse to identify new ones.
...You spot fellow cyclists by the patch of suntan on the back of their hands.
...You call fellow cyclists "fellow cyclists".
...You know how many miles you can get out of a box of corn starch
...Bike lock keys outnumber all other keys on your key chain.
...You see a bump ahead while driving your car and instinctively raise your butt off the seat.
...You encourage your relatives to buy minivans or SUVs so you'll have a safe place to put your bike when you meet them at a restaurant for dinner.
...Your arms are tan from the bicep down, but your torso is white as paper.
...Your legs are tan from just above the knee, but your upper thigh is white as snow.
...You use the tan line on your legs to determine how far up you need to shave.
...You sleep with your heart rate monitor in order to determine what your resting heart rate is.
...You are a lucky bike weenie if your significant other listens quite intently all the while smiling as you explain in exhaustive detail that you just bought another 20 year old bicycle because you really need it for a fixed gear road bike so your other fixed gear road bike can be made into a winter fixed gear road bike in addition to your fixed gear ATB bike, which was supposed to be your winter fixed gear bike, even though you have those two old geared road bikes (one with fenders, one without), but only one of those is really a winter bike anyway because the other is actually a rain bike, until finally the two of you just break out laughing and can't stop.
...You think "Team Bikeaholic" sounds like some fun people to do a few miles with.
...You bring your dog bicycling in its trailer.
...You upgrade your components to save weight even if the weight savings are costing you over $10 per gram.
...You get mud all over your water bottle and drink from it anyway while contemplating how many minerals there must be per sip and ..hey..its healthier this way anyway.
...Music is either a 'climb song' or a 'sprint song' no matter if its jazz, rock, pop, R&B, Ska, classical... ANYTHING.
...You 'cross train' ONLY if it helps your biking.
...You try to bunny hop a crack in the road while driving your car.
...One of the employees at your local bike shop tells you he's going to start charging you rent.
...If you can't believe that you guests won't interrupt their dinner to watch the replay of that day's Tour de France.
...You refuse to have company over to the house unless you know they'll watch the [Giro, Tour, Vuelta] with you.
...You don't drink anymore; you hydrate.
...You time visits to non-cyling friends in other cities to coincide with local club rides.
...Your spouse makes pancakes with a 4/1 carb/protein ratio for your post-ride Sunday breakfast.
...You see nothing unusual about having 250 cycling web sites bookmarked.
...You communicate by email with perfect strangers thousands of miles away about the precise weight and design of your new seatpost.
...You lose someone who's following you in your car and say to yourself, "I guess I dropped him."
...When another motorist passes you, you think you should cover the move.
...When someone mentions Eddy Merckx, you think of a skinny guy on a bike.
...You have two "ten-speed" bikes, but one has only ten speeds.
...The only tattoo you'd consider for yourself is the Campy logo.
...Your spouse, who doesn't even cycle, knows more about Pantani, Cippolini, Ullrich and Zabel than anyone at Sports Illustrated does.
...Your spouse believes that buying your teenage son, who happens to be the same size as you, an expensive new bike, is a good idea because it will increase his interest in riding with his parent.
...You have more money invested in cycling shoes than work shoes.
...Your bike room is bigger and better appointed than your bedroom.
...You think that there should be an interstate biking system much like the highway system, but with more nutritious restaurants at the exits.
...You think about your daughter's college tuition costs as "bikes per year."
...You agree to take your spouse to Hawaii only if you cycle the circuit of the Big Island.
...You convince your spouse that a tandem is the perfect 25th anniversary gift.
...You're riding on a cold, drizzly day and pass a golf course. You see several groups on the course, and you think "What kind of idiot would be playing golf on a day like this?" without realizing the golfers are thinking the same thing about you.
...You lean more than 45 degrees while in the passenger seat of a car when it turns corners at more than 20 mph.
...You load your bike into your vehicle and then catch yourself trying to leave the parking lot via the bike path.
...Your work commute is timed in seconds...
...You consider newly paved roads a luxury ride.
...You drive up a hill and wonder what grade it is.
...Your spouse checks you for chain grease before she lets you sit on the furniture.
...You actually read this entire list.
...You tell a family of 5 in a crowded mall to "hold their line."
...Your spouse says "If you buy another bike I'm going to leave you" and you think "I guess I'm going to miss him/her."
...You have more water bottles than you have drinking glasses.
...You have more cycling jerseys than work shirts.
...Your cycling jersey IS your work shirt.
...Your legs are smoother than your wife's.
...The nicest pair of shoes you own have cleats in the soles.
...You have defined the 8 stages of roadkill decomposition through daily observation.
...You are walking along a street and you signal left.
...You go to your local store on a bike.
...You sulk when in cars, on hot days.
...You sulk when in cars, on cold, windy, snowy days.
...You get withdrawal symptoms if off the bike for more than a day.
...When anybody mentions distance you immediately think of how long it would take to cycle it.
...You point at pot holes, but you are driving in your car alone.
...While driving your car you yell at your passenger "Car back" as a vehicle approaches from behind.
...Your bike is worth more than your car and the 2 tires on your bike cost you more than the 4 tires on your car.
...You put more miles on your bike than your car.
...Your hands have a strange tan that looks remarkably similar to the pattern on your cycling gloves.
...Weather forecasts can be broken down into 2 categories: good biking weather, bad biking weather.
...You put your bicycle in your car, and the value of the total package increases by a factor of 4 (or better).
...As you are driving down the road in your car, you find yourself 'sprinting' for city limit signs and taking note of them so that on the next group ride, you will be one up on everyone else.
...You spend 2X the money on cycling wear that you do work clothes.
...You can tell your partner with a straight face that it's too hot to mow the lawn , then bike off for a century.
...You dream of winning the lottery and the first thing you think of is how many/which bikes can I buy?
...You have not one, not two, but three permanent chain ring scars on your right calf.
...Your bike sleeps with you in the living or bedroom.
...You wear a heart rate monitor during sex.
...You check out all other guys/girls legs to see if they are better than yours.
...Your spouse can't take it anymore and takes up cycling.
...You crash...and insist on getting to the bike shop to have your bike checked out BEFORE going to the hospital.
...You can't seem to get to work before 8:30am, but you don't have a problem meeting your buddies at 5:30am for a ride.
...You hear about plastic surgery to install SPD cleats to the bottoms of your feet and it actually sounds reasonable.
...You actually do win the lottery and the first thing you buy is a new bike.
...You upgrade your cable just to get OLN, then call and cancel it on July 26th.
...You think it's perfectly normal to have your helmet light battery charging on your desk at work, next to your computer.
...You check your Chuck Harris mirror before turning left, then realize it is at home because you are walking.
...You keep all past issues of your numerous bicycling magazines and any past Sport Illustrated swim suit issue or those featuring Lance Armstrong.
...You have a calendar of the United States and mark off each state after you have ridden in it, and are methodically making plans to ride in the rest.
...You go on a business trip and the first thing you look up in the phone book when you arrive is where the nearest bike rental shop is located.
...You know the acronyms for numerous cross state and other bike rides and actually know the words which make up the acronyms.
...You have a powerful bike light so darkness is no longer a barrier to continuing to ride.
...You maintain a detailed bike log of each day you rode, distance, average speed, route, cumulative miles to date, etc., etc. but you haven't reconciled your check book in months.
...You read your bicycling magazines cover to cover the same day they arrive.
...You have a story to tell to go with every major scrape and dent on your bike.
...You meet someone nice in the hall, and instinctively check your mirror
for the backside view.
...You can identify each and every club's arrow markings on the roads....SIW, LBC, which arrows belong to which benefit rides, etc, etc........and the distance of each.
...A friend sends you this list and you know it by heart-without ever reading it.

You may be a lady bike nut if...

...You think that unshaven men's legs look unnatural.
...You won't date a guy who is slower than you on a road bike.
...You won't date a guy who doesn't have the split calves, the quads, or the glutes that you're accustomed to seeing all the time.
...You won't date a guy who doesn't shave his legs.
...You won't date a guy who thinks that "hammering" refers to using a hammer and nails.
...Your cutest Italian shoes have cleats.

You may be a tandem nut if...

...You judge all new acquaintances by assessing whether or not they'll fit on your tandem.
...You buy a car with the condition that your tandem will fit into it.
...You purchase two sets of clothes and they *have* to match the tandem
...You spend most of your bike accessory budget on gadgets that the stoker can play with.
...You buy a tandem to test the boundaries of your relationship.
...The captain loses all rights to his back pockets.
...The stoker gets less wind but ends up with the skunk stripe.
...Descending at 70 mph on a tandem is considered exhilarating.
...You hold the most percentage of stock in brake pads.
...The stoker owns extra shorts padding for the those times when the captain fails to shout 'bump'.
...You keep a cheat-sheet in your wallet listing all your stoker's saddle heights and pedal styles.
...You turn down an otherwise perfect house because the tandem won't fit down the stairs.

Translating bike speak...

"I'm on my beater bike."

Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a popcorn fart and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly."

Translation: This climb lasts longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steep sections or you'll fall over -- backward. You have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"You're doing great, honey."

Translation: Yo, lard-o, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spending the winter watching football and gobbling Sausages. I shoulda married that cute Cat 1 when I had the chance.

"This is a no-drop ride."

Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing. It's for the search-and-rescue dogs.

"It's not that far."

Translation: Yes, it is.

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